I accumulated this list by punishing my senses to suffer so those who are warned can spared and keep their brain cells intact.  Though there may be worse movies, the movies on this list are those produced so that there would some seriousness taken in their making.  Regardless of budget, star power, director, or script these are the truly horrendous legal movies I’ve seen so you don’t have to.

5.         Soul Man

            Saw this movie back in the 80’s and even before the marriage leading to the divorce leading to the degree leading to the law degree leading to the bar exam leading to the formation of GDH&S had yet to occur, I knew then this is one god awful movie.  Ayre Gross is a funny guy and I liked C. Thomas Howell in Gettysburg and I’m sure Rae Dong Chong has a good movie somewhere but everyone sucked in this.  Mark Watson is cut off by his father and can’t get a loan to go to Harvard Law School so he overdoses on tanning pills and gets a perm.  Stupid look and nobody figures out he’s white?  Offensive but “redeeming” because he learns about prejudice…not.  James Earl Jones must have needed rent money.

4.         Jury Duty

            Pauly Shore stars.  I can halfway stand him as Johnny Drama’s antagonist on “Entourage.”  But this is just one awful movie.  If you feel the need to watch…don’t spend money on it and remember, you’ll never get the time back.  He wants to get on a jury so he can get money for a place to live?    I could just review the movie but I hate being so negative.  If you want to watch a good Pauly Shore movie…you will just have to wait for it to be made.

3.         The Pelican Brief

This Grisham work wins (loses) over the Runaway Jury because it stars two Oscar Winners, Denzel Washington and the overrated Julia Roberts.  Someone is murdering U.S. Supreme Court justices and Julia Roberts writes a brief detailing who she thinks is behind the killings.  Yes, a law student out-thought everyone investigating the case.  Then everyone who reads this brief dies.  Must have been one crappy brief.  She and Denzel, a reporter, go on the run, hiding and evading their pursuers who are after them for this brief.  My question is:  Why not just fax it to every law enforcement agency and newspaper in the country, state, county…moral is, there are no stupid briefs, just stupid people who write briefs.

2.         Seems Like Old Times

Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase.  A bunch of dogs (Not including Chevy Chase).  Charles Grodin.  Dumb script.   Goldie is defense attorney married to DA Grodin.  Chase is Goldie’s ex husband who’s a fugitive.  This is the best that it gets.  I believe its rated PG so you can make your children watch it if they don’t want to do their homework.  They’ll  be National Merit Scholars and you’ll be on trial for child abuse.

1.         TIE  Body of Evidence

This is one awful movie made at the time Madonna was “shocking” everyone with her book SEX.  If you didn’t see the nude photos, you’ll get your fill here.  Joe Montegna and Willem Dafoe also star in this moronic plot where Madonna is accused of murder for killing her septuagenarian millionaire lover by…get this…screwing him to death.  Willem Dafoe defends and believes in her until he falls into her games of hot candle wax, handcuffs, and having sex with someone a thousand others have passed.  Don’t bother.

1.         TIE  Suspect

            Another awful movie starring an actress who doesn’t have a last name…Cher.  Joe Montegna is in this movie too.  So is Dennis Quaid and Liam Neeson.  But it’s horrendous.  A juror (Quaid)helping a public defender (Cher) solve the crime during a jury trial.  Yes, during a jury trial.  This plotline alone makes this waste of time tied for the worst legal movie ever.